The Narcissist's Playbook: How Abusers Keep Victims Returning

By Olna Xara Sojourn, Survivor Advocate & Creator of Break Free Card Deck

Published January 6, 2026

I left and returned to my abuser seven times before the final break. I knew they were mistreating me, yet I struggled to break free. Sounds crazy, doesn't it? I didn't understand it myself at the time, and the reality of it was agonizing and demoralizing. The thing is, my experience is typical. The key question that baffled me is one you may be wondering yourself: "Why don't people just leave their abuser?" In this article we'll explore one of the key factors that keeps people stuck: the trauma bond that abusers create. I aim to give you an understanding of what trauma bonds are, how they form, and why they are so tricky to break free from. And leave you with some ways that you can support survivors of abuse.

What is a Trauma Bond?

A trauma bond is a psychological and emotional attachment to an abusive person. It's complex to understand, and confusing to experience.

Part of what makes trauma bonds so confusing is cognitive dissonance—the mental torment of holding two contradictory truths simultaneously. The victim knows intellectually that their partner is harming them, yet emotionally they still feel love, hope, and attachment to the person they met initially. This psychological clash creates tremendous stress and makes clear thinking nearly impossible, which is exactly what keeps victims trapped.

If you've never been manipulated or abused, understanding what a trauma bond is will open a window to understanding one of the key reasons people stay with their abusers. Trauma bonds result from intentional and strategic manipulation by abusers. You might think of it as brainwashing. I've come to see it as the abuser targets their victim and creates, grooms, and maintains an addiction to the abuser. This isn't just metaphorical—trauma bonds create actual neurochemical addiction. Neuropsychologist Dr. Rhonda Freeman explains that the cycle of fear, relief, and intermittent affection triggers stress hormones like cortisol alongside bonding chemicals like oxytocin and dopamine. This biochemical rollercoaster literally rewires the brain, creating dependency patterns similar to drug addiction. Understanding this helps survivors recognize they're fighting biology, not just emotion.

DomesticShelters.org notes that cults and domestic abusers use control, insecurity, and boundary-breaking tactics, creating bonds where victims feel loyalty despite harm.

The Narcissist's Playbook

The pattern of how abusers operate to develop and maintain a trauma bond is strikingly similar. Those in the survivor community often remark, "Did the narcissists all read the same playbook?" If there was a playbook for creating a trauma bond, it might look like this:

Narcissist Playbook: How to Develop a Trauma Bond in Your Victim

Prey upon the best victims, pretend to be someone you are not, wait until your victim develops a bond with you, outline a fabulous future together, and once they're hooked on you, let your mask slip and begin willful harm. Introduce abuse slowly, so your victim can adjust to it and accept it. Throw in some intermittent reinforcement, like a slot machine, to keep them coming back. Have them working hard to please you, overlook your abuse, and try to get back to the person they were at first. Create confusion and chaos to keep the victim off balance, second-guessing, and eroding their self-trust. Harm the victim and erode their self-esteem. Isolate your victim from support, friends, and financial resources so they're dependent on you alone. Pre-set the stage to have outsiders see the victim as the problem, and you the abuser look like a saint, so that if your victim tries to get support for the abuse, people already think the victim is the problem. This will leave your victim confused, unsure of themselves, constantly in a state of stress, and with nowhere to turn for help.

It's intense. The skills with which some manipulators operate can leave anyone vulnerable to being tricked. Manipulators target people from all walks of life and education levels—from everyday people to celebrities like Reese Witherspoon and Tina Turner who've spoken publicly about their experiences.

Recognizing a Trauma Bond

You may be wondering how to recognize if someone you love is dealing with a trauma bond. Here are some signs:

·  The person tries to leave the relationship, but keeps returning

·  The person desires and abhors their abuser, sometimes simultaneously

·  The person frequently feels confusion regarding their feelings about their partner

·   The person feels "addicted" to their abuser. They recognize the relationship is destroying them, but can't seem to kick the "habit."

Does this describe anyone you know? Victims often feel shame around these experiences and may keep their abuse hidden. They may find that even well-meaning loved ones are unable to understand their experience or offer them meaningful support. This, unfortunately, further isolates victims.

How to Support Someone in a Trauma Bond

So, how can you help someone who is experiencing a trauma bond?

Listen without judgment. Do not place blame on the victim. The manipulator is responsible for their own behavior, though they'll work hard to make the victim think it's the victim's fault. Remind the victim that they are not causing the mistreatment they receive from their partner.

Listen. Learn what they are experiencing. Allow them to share.

Validate the things they are doing right for themselves. This can strengthen their courage and bolster weakened self-confidence.

Respect their needs. Don't assume you know what they need. Ask them how you can best support them.

If they are open to resources and suggestions, offer practical support. Here are the top things I found helpful:

·  Encourage connection with other survivors. Many free online communities exist. This will help them feel seen and understood and offer education and hope. Self-education on abuse tactics is critical. Helpful people with an online presence include Dr. Ramani, Lisa Romano, and Melanie Tonia Evans. My website www.EmpoweredEmpath.us offers free resources, including webinars, eBooks, and links to online support communities. I also offer a self-help card deck, the first of its kind for breaking free from narcissistic abuse.

·  Encourage professional support. Suggest seeking counseling with someone experienced in domestic abuse and trauma recovery.

·  Encourage connecting with The National Domestic Violence Hotline (thehotline.org and 1-800-799-SAFE) to make a safe exit plan. You may be surprised to learn that emotional abuse is domestic violence. It's crucial to understand that leaving is statistically the most dangerous time for abuse victims. Abusers often escalate when they sense loss of control, which is why having a safety plan before leaving—including secure places to go, important documents ready, and trusted people aware—can be lifesaving. Also, in some cases, staying (with a safety plan) is temporarily safer.

·  Encourage them to journal the mistreatment they've experienced. Often victims overlook abuse or have abuse-related amnesia. Documenting it is a powerful way to begin to see their reality clearly.

·  Encourage them to create space away from the abuser. Though not always possible, this is ideal.

Be patient if your loved one returns to their abuser. Dissolving trauma bonds is not something that tends to happen instantly. Abusers are not easily gotten rid of; they have prepared for the moment their victim will leave them and have strategies ready to keep them trapped. Remember, what they are experiencing is psychological warfare perpetrated on them by someone who needs to be in control at all costs. Your steady, non-judgmental presence can be a lifeline for your loved one.

Final Thoughts

Trauma bonds are a complex issue to understand and deal with. Psychological and emotional attachment to an abuser is confusing to experience and challenging to break. Abusers like narcissists are masterful with manipulative tactics that create and strengthen trauma bonds. Narcissists tend to up their game to maintain control when their partner attempts to leave. There are many things you can do to support a loved one who is experiencing a trauma bond. The most important support you can offer is to listen without judgment, gently build their confidence by continuing to validate the things they are doing to support themselves in breaking the chains of the trauma bond, and (if they are open to support) encouraging the resources shared here.

**About the Author**

Olna Xara Sojourn is a survivor of narcissistic abuse who left and returned to her abuser seven times before breaking free for good. She created Empowered Empath (www.EmpoweredEmpath.us) to provide the resources and support she wished she'd had during her own recovery journey. Her work includes the Empowered Empath Break Free Card Deck, the first of its kind, designed specifically for survivors of narcissistic abuse, along with free webinars, eBooks, and online support communities. Connect with her at Instagram, Facebook, TikTok, YouTube, or explore free resources at EmpoweredEmpath.us.